Okay so I saw Eastern Promises last night, a Focus Features film <insert FB shoutout>. It was pretty good/entertaining/whatever, until this shower scene, and then it turned the corner onto Amazing Street. The movie had some foul language, decent amount of violence, PG-13/R-rated borderline stuff, and then this scene completely catapulted it into vicious, unadulterated R-rated orbit. Viggo Mortensen, covered in nothing but tattoos and a towel gets jumped by mafia guys in this Russian bath house. He stands up to confront them and just tosses the towel aside, seemingly for no reason. Just so we can see all of his shit flying around. I’ve seen Jackie Chan use less than that towel to incapacitate more than those 2 guys. During the whole fight scene, which is a great one, I kept staring at his junk. Now, gay or not, I was staring pretty hard at his bush, which let’s just say was unkept, and I don’t know if I could fight, in a movie or in real life, completely naked, with my shit going everywhere. Something might get nipped or something. Gew.

In the scene, he wrestles with the one guy and slams the back of his head into his own knife propped up on the floor. Then, just as he’s crawling out of the steam room (nudity is still the necessary element here), the other guy grabs him, they wrestle, and Viggo jabs the guy’s own knife into his EYEBALL. Jesus. Blood everywhere. Yes-please. Kudos to Viggo for doing a sick ten minute fight scene with his package flying everywhere. No stunt double necessary. The other actors were probably balltapping him every scene. I would have.

I’ll take a nude fight scene over a sex scene any day of the week that ends in “Y”: